Friday, April 23, 2010

KainsHottie History
Chapter 2: More Family

Last week I dedicated my history to my Little Bro. Today I think I'll write about Middle Bro. It really is a toss up as to which brother Big or Middle has had the next highest amount of influence on my life. Earlier in my life, I think Middle Bro had much more impact, but these days I talk to Big Bro more so I think he impacts me now.

So Middle Bro was my idol when I was young. He would come home from high school and brag about getting A's and B's in school. He'd brag about the Spanish he'd learned. He turned school into a contest to me. I have held his attitude towards doing well in my heart forever. I decided when I was 7 or 8 years old that I would do better than him in school. I became determined that where he got B's I would get A's. This attitude is one I have held through all 20 years of schooling that I have had. I surpassed Middle Bro because I got to go to college and then I even when on for a Master's degree, but I have been determined to do the best I possibly can in even subject I have ever taken. Middle Bro helped me to find my drive, my determination, and my pride.

Middle Bro also showed me a few things about being myself. He was very cocky when he was a teenager and very outspoken as well. He oozed confidence. All of us knew that he could date any girl he possibly wanted back then. They relished in just getting a nice smile from him. My friends thought he was amazing...as well as his swimmer friend. Before I understood how love worked, I was even madly in love with him. I just didn't know that I loved him differently than everyone else. He was my babysitter and friend. He could be so amazingly annoying at times, but I wouldn't have had it any other way. I remember all too many times when he'd pin me on the couch and fart on my head. Why this fascinated him, I will never know. I am pretty sure it still does fascinate him. I think he does it to his kids now.

Middle Bro taught me a bit about love at that time and later. He married very young for his first marriage. I adored his wife at the time even though I think she just thought of me as an annoying kid at first. We got to be pretty good friends over a few years. However, she "broke" Middle Bro. He changed when he was with her. I feel like he's still there, but he's hiding deep inside and only comes out to play occasionally. I am sure that he is just like he always was with his family, but not quite as outspoken with people outside of the immediately loved ones. He was with his first wife for 10 years I think. They divorced, thank god. He is now very happily married to another woman and has a total of 5 kids. I can honestly say that I don't know his current wife as well as I should. She's been a friend of the family for as long as I can remember, but she and I have never really had a chance to spend much time together. Hopefully someday that will change. Maybe some day we can convince them to move to Ohio. =P I say that because she is always hinting that I should move to Florida.

What I learned from him though was something that I had to reaffirm for myself. The little bits of his first marriage that I saw showed me that it's not good to lose yourself to someone. Not your entire self. You have to keep something of who you have always been, otherwise life gets pretty depressing. I say I had to reaffirm this because I didn't really know what I saw going on back then. It wasn't until I got into a relationship where my boyfriend pretty much took all of my self confidence and put it in a garbage disposal. He took my sense of self worth and tossed it on the grill only to serve it with great delight with a side of broken heart. He destroyed who I was and only then did I understand how my Middle Bro might have felt. I will probably never know for certain, but this is how I imagine it. I could go on about the Ex for pages and pages, but we'll save that for another day.

I grew up watching everything Middle Bro did. More so than Big Bro. I watched and learned. I saw what he was able to do and I followed. When something came up that the parents didn't approve of, I tried to avoid. He was my role model for many years. I have learned since to be my own person a little more and not to follow in Middle Bro's footsteps...Mostly because he's so far away I can't watch him any more. I cannot deny how deeply he impacted who I am. He showed me love, dedication, confidence, caring, and how to be patient with Little Bro. These are all characteristics that I value above almost everything else, even if confidence is not my strongest characteristic. This is something I am working on and will write about on another day. I love you Middle Bro.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Jobs....Suck

I haven't posted very regularly, but that's due to my creative writing being in a box somewhere that I can't seem to find. I'd unpack every box if I didn't have to put it all back. So anyway, today is kind of a complaining day. Jobs. I hate them. Mostly because nothing ever seems permanent for me. The college I teach for just underwent a merger. My campus was part of main campus, but it wasn't ON main campus. People who are supposed to make good decisions decided that the campus needed to be brought together...At least I guess that's what happened. My campus has been growing and being more successful with each year, but apparently someone didn't like that. A lot of people who don't have long term contracts or tenure are having to find new jobs. I am one of those people. I have a quarter-by-quarter contract. Each quarter, they offer me one or two math classes which up to know (3 quarters) I accept. I am not allowed to teach more than two classes due to the restrictions on adjuncts. Well where I am right now, I can teach college students with just a Master's degree in Math Education. The merger has caused all the professors to have to move to a different college within the university. That college requires either a BS in Mathematics or a MS in Mathematics...Not Math Education. I don't get that. Yeah I was trained to teach 7-12 graders, but the key is that I was trained to teach. Too many people teaching at Universities aren't trained to teach. They are trained in their field. They are experts in whatever they love, but to actually make money, they teach at a university. I think they need to have mandatory training in teaching. They have seminars that are recommended, but they just have a certain number they have to attend. So they go to the ones they want to do. Some are about how to teach, some aren't. It's not the same as a degree in teaching. Oh well. I can't change that and I can't change the fact that I refuse to spend the next 8 years trying to get a doctorate in Mathematics. Yes 8 years. It will take that long because of all the classes I'd have to "make up" for not having a BS or MS in math. Which essentially means I will have to start over with the undergraduate degree. Too long. I've spent enough time taking classes. I don't want to do that for the rest of my life or spend the money on it.

So basically, what this all means is that after this quarter, I don't have a job. The people in charge said they'd pass my name along, but with the restructuring, they are going to need less adjuncts than they normally would. It was a very nicely worded way of saying that I basically am out of a job after this quarter. It sucks.

Monday, April 19, 2010

It's a Boy!

We had our ultrasound today finally. Everything looked good the doctor said. They did find these circular shaped spots in the brain that could indicate a form of down syndrome, but the doctor said that the type of down syndrome it typically means would have major birth defects too. Since everything else looks good, he says not to worry about it and the spots will probably go away before the next ultrasound (which will be in 4-6 weeks). This is the one time I will use a real name...My baby Drake Conrad Seabolt.

Drake Picture 1
This is Drake looking at us =)

Drake Picture 2
Drake's Left Hand

Drake Picture 3
Drake's Right Hand

Drake Picture 4
Profile View

Drake Picture 5

Drake Picture 6

Drake Picture 7

Friday, April 16, 2010

KainsHottie History
Chapter 2: Family

More history of my life. I have three older brothers. Big Bro is 10 years older than me. Middle Bro is 7 years older and Little Bro is 10 months older. Yes I said 10 months. Little Bro was a crazy little boy. He has a learning disability and ADHD which made our household VERY interesting at times. He was an escape artist and had strength beyond any child I have ever known. No matter what type of lock my parents used on his doors and windows, he would get out and wander around the city in the middle of the night without any idea that it was wrong. The cops brought him home several times. To this day, I still don't know how he got the locks open.

I too had to have locks on my bedroom doors growing up. Why? Because Little Bro was fascinated with my room and when he was done with it, it seriously looked like a bomb blew up. He had a knack for dumping everything out of every container (dresser, closet, jewelry box, chest, etc.) and taking everything off of shelves in 5 minutes flat. We would have just noticed that he wasn't in sight and then find my room destroyed. It's no wonder I hate cleaning now. I did it regularly growing up.

I mentioned his incredible strength before. There were two times that I can remember where this was life threatening. We had an inground pool growing up. I practically lived in it year round (we lived in Florida at the time). I was a very very good swimmer and had even thought of maybe doing the olympics until we moved to Ohio. However, I was no match for Little Bro. I'd be swimming laps without coming up for air and he somehow knew exactly when I would finally have to breathe. One time, he managed to put a raft over me at the right moment and with him on top of it, it was nearly impossible to get out from under. I dislike the idea of knowing it, but I totally understand what it would be like to be trapped under ice. I don't remember getting out myself, I think one of my other brothers must have pulled me out that time, but I know I nearly drowned. Another time Little Bro managed to get on my shoulders when I was coming up for air and he wouldn't let go. I only got him off by diving deeper into the water and taking him with me.

Little Bro sent me to the hospital once. My cousin dared him to bite me. We were all jumping on beds while my grandmother watched the three of us. At that moment though, she was washing dishes. Well my cousin did not think Little Bro would actually do it. He couldn't have. However, Little Bro walked right up to me and bit my ear, sending my earring into my earlobe beyond reach. I had to have it surgically removed. I remember it hurting, but honestly, I remember my dad driving me to the hospital and home more. He bought me Dunkin Doughnuts that I didn't have to share with my brothers. It actually is kind of a fond memory.

I've been talking rather poorly about Little Bro for a while now. Don't think I hate him or that I blame him for anything. It is quite the opposite. I'd do anything for him. I love him to death and will protect him until the day I die. We weren't in the same school for a long time (on purpose), but when we reached 7th grade, my parents couldn't keep us separated any more. The best school for him was my school. Of course we had a lot of issues adjusting. People thought we were twins for a while. Little Bro would tell people "I'm older, but she's smarter" not even realizing that he was affirming the twins thing. People made fun of him and me for how different we were. However, we no longer had problems in school after an incident in 9th grade. The seniors that year were particularly cruel. One such senior decided to tell Little Bro that it was a tradition for seniors to throw freshmen off the top of the bleachers. Little Bro said ok and climbed the bleachers to be thrown off (somehow he got very trusting). I walked into the gym just when the senior was trying to figure a way to pick him up. I think I probably screamed louder than I ever have then. I yelled at Little Bro to get down from the bleachers even though he said it was ok. I yelled at the senior for picking on someone who didn't understand. I yelled at anyone around who thought it was funny or that my Little Bro deserves such a thing. I put them in their place. Funny thing is, it worked. Most of them never messed with Little Bro again. Some even became friends with him.

As I got older I got even more defensive of Little Bro. I found out that some girls were flashing him during lunch time and taking his lunch money for payment. After a couple weeks of Little Bro saying he couldn't afford lunch with mom giving him money every day, I got tired of it. I asked who was taking his money and then promptly sought them out. I got off the bus one morning to see one of the girls walking to a bus. Instantly I took off running yelling that I'd beat the crap out of her. Now I am not a fighter. No way...Hate the idea of hitting people most of the time, but this had gone too far. I chased this girl onto the bus and was kicked off by the bus driver because I got in any punches. The result? The second girl taking his money sought me out. I was ready to fight her too, but she actually apologized when she realized that I wasn't backing down. Little Bro only lost his lunch money after that when he wanted to. ;)

I love my brothers. All three. Today was focused on Little Bro because we are so close. I probably talk more to him than my other two. I'd do anything for him and him for me. Someday, I suspect, he'll be living with me. I used to hate the thought, but now I can't imagine my life without him. He made things interesting. He taught me so much about life, people, patience, and even love. It is because of him that I decided to teach. He prepared me for the challenges I'd face as a teacher and gave me the gifts I have to be able to do my job well. He has definitely shaped a large part of who I am.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Waiting....

I have come to the conclusion that I am not very good at waiting for things. Most things are out of my control, but when they take a long time to happen, I start believing that they won't. For instance, I believe I mentioned the Math and Reading center I may be opening...Well my partner called me today to set up our first phone interview with the franchise. I really thought this wasn't going to happen. It's been about eight weeks since I went to the franchise meeting and about six weeks since we submitted our financials. It just felt like it was taking way too long. So I was starting to write it off. I was shocked when my partner called for the interview. So now it looks like it is moving forward. Of course I have my doubts about it all because I worry about my skills in running something like this. Not that I don't have experience, because I do. I used to run the Math Physics Learning Center at my college when I was in undergrad. I say I ran it because I worked alone most of the time when I was scheduled. Anyway, tomorrow is the interview and we get to see if there's a second. I'll have to go to Detroit for a day in May and there's a 4 day training session that I think is in Detroit as well. Unfortunately, I wasn't planning for the training not to be on the weekend, so I'll have to cancel a few of my classes...I'm sure my students won't mind.

The other reason for my complaint about waiting is that on Monday I have my first ultrasound. I am sooooooooooooooo anxious for it!!! We have a chance to finally see the baby I'm carrying and possibly find out if it is a boy or a girl. God I hope we get to find out. I hope the baby cooperates and flashes us...Kind of funny that before they are outside of you, you want them to show off their genitals. Then after they are born, you spend a lot of time trying to keep them covered up. Ironic isn't it? So it's like "Show us everything until we can correct you on how to really act." I just find it humorous. I have a regular doctor appointment tomorrow, which I find ridiculous since I have the ultrasound on Monday. However, I am having a level 2 ultrasound so they can make sure the baby doesn't have problems like I did when I was born. They will be taking a closer look at its digestive track and trying to make sure there's no hernia. So I can't complain about that. I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT IS!!!!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Thoughts for today

Well it is looking like possibly another long summer. Kain is on a project that of course has its deadlines through the summer which means he'll be hanging out at the office trying to meet them. It probably wouldn't be a big deal if he didn't hate his job. He does IT work. In the past, his jobs required him to travel 3/4 of the month or work such crazy hours that he'd put in 40 hours in two days. This job though has him working on existing software from documents that are not well written...or rather they aren't written in a way that a programmer can interpret into programming language easily. So he's miserable again. He's already worked 26 hours in two days and claims that he'll be working like that all week. It sucks.

As for me, I decided to sand paint off a wall today and use painters tape all around the room to protect the moulding. We will be painting the room off white soon so we can put our house up for sale-by-owner. We are hoping to sell it before the baby is born, but I'm not holding my breath. We had it on the market for a little over a year before, but it was right when the economy tanked. We can't afford to pay a realtor, so we're going to try it this way. No idea what it requires though. We are hoping that we just have to call a closing agency and set up a meeting with them when it sells. Hopefully they will take care of all the other paperwork since we have no idea what is necessary.

So what's up for the rest of the day? Going through some boxes looking for my poetry, maybe getting rid of some clothes...making dinner. Ummm...Waiting for a phone call from my possible business partner. We are looking to open a franchised Math and Reading center. Apparently our financial statements were approved and now we're ready for our first phone interview. We'll see what happens from here. We're pretty much not making serious plans for it because there are a lot of hoops to jump through.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Creative Mondays

So Mondays will be for creative stuff. I spent most of the day working with my mom on finding a software application to make embroidery designs for her embroidery machine. I also was using it to figure out a patch that I am making for Table Top Gamers. It was a difficult progress, but I think I may know how to do it now. I'll put a picture of the patch up when I get it figured out. Today's creative writing though is something I wrote a few years ago. Not my best piece by far, but I am having trouble finding my poetry books amidst all my moving boxes (house is for sale so we have nearly everything packed just in case it sells).

"Remember When"

It was the age of innocence,
A world in disguise,
And the beast of burden not there.
The birds and the bees,
Were only in trees,
And a light in the night,
Was not a frightening sight.
When ducks and geese sat together,
And hide-and-seek was just a game,
Not an afternoon adventure.
Remember when mom and dad,
Held your world,
In the palm of their hand,
And your future was yet to be.
Life was so simple,
The world was so grand,
And all that is left,
Is remembering when...

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Random Saturdays

So Saturdays are going to be random information. Probably mostly about what is happening in my life. This is because I typically am not near a computer on Saturdays. Today I have a chance to do some writing, but it won't be much because this isn't my computer...it's Kain's hobby store's.

This day has been rather eventful. I got up early this morning to help a friend do something called a Math Race. Think Rat Race only without traveling the world and all the puzzles being math or logic related. We went to my friend's college and ran around for two hours answering 10 questions. We missed two of them early on because we were making the problems WAY harder than they needed to be. Some of the problems included: typical logic puzzle found in Penny Press, Tanagrams, Matchstick Puzzle, suduko, basic algebra, geometry problem combined with Corn Hole, and Probability. It really was a lot of fun. We didn't win the race because we decided not to run across campus (not sure I could 4.5 months pregnant any way).

After the Math Race, Kain and I met up with my mom to go to a Pet show. We got to see lots of different animals (mostly bull dogs) and got a ton of free samples of dog food and cat food that I will be using as treats for my two dogs and two cats. That was pretty much the primary reason for going since we cannot really afford to have any more animals. We just like seeing what's out there. We would have a zoo if we could! =)

Friday, April 9, 2010

KainsHottie History
Chapter 1: Life Determining

The moment in my life that has affected every single day of my existence happened before I was even born. While in the womb, I developed what it called a diaphrigmatic hernia. My mom was pregnant with me out in California and at that time the state of California didn't really have any laws prevent crop dusters from flying over homes. There were over a hundred babies born about the same time as me with all kinds of gastrointestinal issues due to the pesticides that were continually put in the air around our homes. There was a lawsuit, but it came back inconclusive that the pesticides were the actual cause.

So what is a diaphrigmatic hernia? For me, it means that my esophagus wasn't fully attached to my stomach. My stomach and intestines were above my diaphragm. My appendix was on the wrong side. Finally, I was so anemic that the doctors required open heart surgery to correct the anemia. I lived for several months like this throwing up what looked like chocolate pudding before the doctors finally figured out there was a problem. Once they found out, they went in for open heart surgery only to find out about all the other stuff that was messed up. My heart never needed an operation at all, but since they had me open, the reattached my esophagus to my stomach, pulled all my insides below my diaphragm where they were supposed to be, removed my appendix, and sewed up the hiatal hernia (hole in the diaphragm) that had resulted from everything else. After the surgery, they put in a burping tube so that my stitches wouldn't tear when I was burped.

Physically, the only thing you see as evidence of this huge surgery is a scar that stretches from my belly button to my breastbone and what looks like a second belly button on my left side by my ribs from the burping tube. Growing up, my youngest brother always told people that it actually was a belly button which made me real popular. *sarcasm intended* What you can't see is that I had major growing pains every time I hit a growth spurt that took a while for us to identify as being my scar stretching. I also ended up with acid reflux from the flap at the bottom of my esophagus not having developed properly. THAT took 15 years to figure out. I thank god every day for the doctor who finally said "Let's do a scope and see what is going on inside." Before that day, I would throw up every time I didn't get enough sleep, be in terrible pain every time I ate anything remotely spicy, and downright refuse to eat when I feared getting sick. Now, I am on protonix permanently (I LOVE THE STUFF). I can eat pretty much anything I want with the knowledge that I still might hurt some, but the pain is worth the yummy food. I also know that I have to get plenty of sleep, but I can go longer than I used to without it.

This has defined everything I have done with my life. It determines how I eat, sleep, and even the activities I do. It's amazing that when you have acid reflux really bad, doing things like running a long time will make you sick...faster than everyone else. Also, about 5 years ago, I started to develop the hiatal hernia again. I guess those stitches weren't completely permanent. So I have a minor hernia. It really isn't a problem, but I do worry that I will tear it more as my baby develops. However there is nothing to be done about that at this time.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Getting Started

So I have decided to start a blog much like many other people in this world. Who am I? Well I can tell you what I think, but I'd rather you decide for yourself from the things I post. I think that many people have a concept of who they are and it doesn't always match what other people think of them. People either are too modest about themselves or too boastful. So this blog is kind of going to serve as a self discovery through writing.

I intend not to use real names for those people I reference in my ramblings because I worry about upsetting them. No need to give a real name when they will probably figure out who they are on their own and no one else really needs to know. So I am KainsHottie. The name comes from my husband whom people like to call Kain. I teach mathematics to college students, but to protect their identities, I will not say where I teach other than that it is in Ohio. I am currently 18 weeks pregnant with my first child. I really have very little experience with children since I am the youngest of four (all brothers) and my brothers that have children live in Florida. So I see them once or twice a year. I wish it could be more than that, but it is expensive to get there. Also my teaching prevents me from going whenever I want.

A little in terms of what I intend to put on here. I will probably have one day a week that I write about something from my past because I believe that we are a product of all our past experiences. I will probably put some form of creative writing up once a week (which includes my terrible teenage poetry). Other than that, it will probably be stuff currently happening that I find to be directly impacting my identity and future.

So that's it for now. I'm off to go teach.

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