Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Now What?

I have been an emotional wreck lately and since no one really reads my blog much anyway, I am going to write about it. It has been going on for a little over a month. On March 4th, I found out I was pregnant again, but me being as in tune with my body as I am, I knew there was something wrong. I was bleeding which I didn't do with Drake. So I called the doctor. Of course they gave me the speech about how that if I felt major make-yourself-crumple-up-want-to-die pain, I needed to go to the hospital. Until that happened, I was to come into the office and have some tests done. On March 7th, the doctor said my beta level showed that I should have been approximately 4-5 weeks along and they needed to draw more blood for a comparison since my system had been so screwed up since having Drake. They drew blood and said that there were three possible outcomes.

1) Beta level goes up - It's a normal pregnancy and get ready to have a 14 months old and newborn at the same time.
2) Beta stays the same - probably an ectopic pregnancy and we would have to "abort" it
3) Beta goes down - My body is already trying to miscarry the baby and there is nothing to be done except wait to see if my body handles it the way it should.

That night I got the phone call that said that my beta had drop from 742 to 657. So my body was preparing to have a miscarriage whether I wanted it to or not. I had to keep going in for more blood tests in order to make sure that my beta drops all the way to 0 and that I would not need a D&C. So on March 8th, I had more blood drawn and scheduled a visit to the doctor on March 10th. On the 10th I had an internal ultrasound done and they couldn't find the baby. It was extremely painful let me tell you. They drew more blood that day too. That night the doctor called me to say that since they couldn't find the baby in my uterus, it must be ectopic and he was pretty sure it was stuck in my fallopian tube. I had to go in on Friday March 11th for more blood and another exam. When I got there, the doctor had the news I didn't want to hear. My beta jumped up to over 800. This meant that my body was not miscarrying it the way it should. Talk about an emotional roller coaster. One minute I am just sitting around waiting for the oh-my-god-I-want-to-die pain that meant run to the ER and the next I am told, "You have to go to the hospital to get a shot of chemo to remove the egg." This goes against what I believe it. I felt like I was being told I had to have an abortion, but the truth is that the baby was basically dead already anyway. There is no place for the placenta to grow, so it could not survive where it was. Also, if it did manage to get any bigger, my tube could rupture with the worst side effect being death. Not an option obviously. That day I got the shot.

On March 15th my body officially got rid of the baby. The pain I expected finally happened, but this time it was from the shot. I was under instructions that I didn't need to go to the ER unless I was in so much pain that I was incapacitated. I wasn't that day, but it was pretty bad. Since then, I had more blood drawn on the 15th, 17th, and 24th and have another one scheduled for April 1st. My beta have all continued to drop since the 15th, but I tell you what...The hormones are driving me insane! One minute I am as happy as can be and the next I am running into another room to cry my eyes out. The last couple of days I have even had sudden urges to throw stuff across the room. I never have been so emotionally insane as I am now. Even right after Drake was born I wasn't bad at all. This whole your 4 weeks pregnant and then at 6 weeks you're not is killing me.

So now what? I am writing this in hopes that writing down all my feelings will help me feel a little better. I had to tell my family about the baby because I knew that would drive me crazy keeping it from them, but I feel like I'm going crazy anyway. It was a temporary fix that was destroyed by my body's own war with itself. Can I have a new body? This one is abusing me. The only up side to all of this is that I am not really that hungry lately. I have actually lost like 6 pounds in the last 6 weeks. One good thing. Where's the rest?

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